This is not easy for me to say because honestly the truth hurts. Yesterday at work, i overheard some junior women gossiping about me, how fast i have risen to power at work and they were entirely right, even though i might fire them for spreading gossip about me. I feel bad that as a married woman for three years, i have attained this position not through proper channels or being extra ordinary but through sleeping with men higher up the rank, some as old as over 65 years of age. I have always wanted to be a successful person, the right way but the right way can sometimes be the hard way, taking alot of time to achieve your goals. I have a caring husband who also has a great job but i let my ambitions get the better of me and what those women were saying was 90% right and it did hurt me. This attitude got to me when i made my first real mistake, sleeping with a proffesor so that i wouldn’t do a supplementary on a unit i had failed, he was old and wrinkled, really felt like the worst trash in the world after doing it so from that time, if ever an opportunity comes along that can require me to use my body to pass, i compare it with that first experience and tell myself if i did it with that old man the first time, why not now? and easily i go ahead with it. I also want to confess that i once in a while pay women prostitutes to have fun because i enjoy *** with women more, i like to suck boobs mostly so i pick the ones with big ones. This habit started when i was a junior worker and one of the senior ladies invited me to her house, got me drunk then fingered me, told me to come back anytime sober if i liked, the next day i was at her doorstep. I have become a f*c*d up person so much that i can’t turn back, all my success has been through shortcuts. I don’t enjoy it so much. Would encourage everyone to work hard to achieve their goals the right way because i don’t feel like i have ever achieved anything as a the real me.
i feel small